Finished / Unfinished
Monday, 4 October 2010
After all the time, and all the fuss that was made (or not made) over this painting, here it is, finished and in its frame. I have so many thoughts and feelings tied up in this painting. I started it in 2007, and had to stop working on it because I found out I was pregnant with The Girl. (Toxic pigments plus growing fetus equals not good.) So I put the painting in its intended frame, and hung it on the wall of our kitchen because I couldn’t think of a safer place for it. And there it hung, as a metaphor for my life, with so much unfinished business. So much of myself only “half-done.”
And that’s how I feel right now, as an adult. Half-done. I feel a lot better about myself than I did in my twenties. More confident. Smarter. Birthing my son at home was one of the most profound moments of my life. It’s an experience I will never forget (even though I remember it through a fog of hormones). A few months after becoming a mother, I asked The Daddy Monkey if I had changed. He said, “You seem like you know more.” And he was so right. That’s exactly how I felt, but I couldn’t articulate it.
Even though it comes off as sounding self-centered, I think that’s a great reason for becoming a mother: it forces you to take a good look at yourself and change what you don’t like. To improve yourself in ways you never thought possible. But I feel like I have so much more to learn. So much more that I want to do. These children have taught me that life is so fleeting. So impermanent. They have forced me to grow and to grow up. And while I have on occasion had to drag them kicking and screaming to do something they didn’t want to do, they have sometimes dragged me kicking and screaming into this work of selflessness, surrender, and service. And it’s made me a better person.
I have my share of days when I want nothing more than to be alone to create. Frustrated that my life seems like an endless line of chores: cooking, laundry, housework, repeat. But six years after becoming a mother, I am just now learning that life is just that: half-done. Some things get completed, others don’t.
It’s sometimes hard for me to be okay with things being never completed. If this painting taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to leave things incomplete, even if it’s only temporary. Sometimes you have to take a break from what you’re doing to kiss a skinned knee, make a snack, read a book, or have another baby.
I set this painting aside for over three years, and it took me all of five days to complete it. That’s how it is sometimes. It took me three years to learn the art of surrender. Three years and five days.
No. 1 — October 4th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Rose, what beautiful words to express the thoughts and emotions I too share about motherhood. Thank you for sharing. Nothing has stretched me to become a deeper fuller person like being a mother. Something I never anticipated. And somehow in my own desire to be by myself and create what I want to and live in my thoughts and dreams, the fact of needing to stop to listen to some important discovery from my seven year old, or to soothe the frustrated screams of my three year old, or to just give the reassuring cuddle my almost two year old needs…somehow these things bring me back to the ground in a way that is frustrating and comforting. To learn the art of being present, can it be done without the aid of small children??
No. 2 — October 5th, 2010 at 12:12 am
Wow. This is, for me, the most beautiful post you’ve ever written. And I absolutely LOVE the finished product. There is so much of you in the soul of that bird!! Can’t wait to see it hanging. Well done, good friend.
No. 3 — October 5th, 2010 at 12:39 am
thank you for this beautiful post….it was the perfect end to my day. And the painting is of course perfection.
No. 4 — October 9th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Beautiful eye, that pert bird has, and hey, that last paragraph is a succinct, killer end to your post. I’ve an unfinished painting, an unfinished Christmas portrait rather, of my husband. I’m not sure how many years have gone by, but definitely more than 3. (The scalding shame of it.)
You knocked it out of the ballpark.
No. 5 — October 9th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
(By the way, an engaging sewing-and-cooking post by a mother made me think of you: http://www.remedialeating.com/2010/10/better-late.html)
No. 6 — October 11th, 2010 at 12:00 am
Your painting & the journey sounded wonderful. It is beautiful. I’m sure it will give you & your family much joy & many happy reminders each time you look at it. Thank you kindly, Katie x
No. 7 — October 11th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Yep, that’s one profound little bird. I get teary, having been next to you for much of the ride. Your words help me really feel what this has all meant for you and your family. Beautiful. Makes me excited and proud to be a mom, too. And a little more patient with my life that is coming to a welcomed, but still mentally exhausting, baby induced halt once again sometime soon.
No. 8 — October 21st, 2010 at 12:42 pm
beautiful, beautiful painting. and thank you so very much for your words. they spoke to my heart.
xo
~erin
No. 9 — October 22nd, 2010 at 3:26 am
What a sweet bird….. Thank you for sharing your art.
No. 10 — November 12th, 2010 at 5:44 am
Just stumbled upon your blog, I’m new here, so forgive me if this is inappropriate, but is there any chance you would sell framable copies of this art? I would love love love it on my wall too!